There is a Reason for the Season.

Dear to me,

Yes, there is a reason for this season- every season, actually. It is Jesus Christ. Yesterday was His Birthday! One girl tweeted, "It figures that Jesus' birthday would be the biggest celebration of the year. He's so cool and loved!"

I wish I truly knew who my Lord and Savior is. I know that He is my Lord and Savior and that He died for my sins so that I could live glorifying Him. But who is HE? Why do I proclaim my heart and soul to Him even though I can not see him and many others do not believe He saved everyone of their sins. Well, I do know that He loves me very much and He has a plan for me that will bless me, not hurt me. 

So why don't I feel complete right now? I have everything that I could ever ask for- currently getting my education at an awesome institution, family and friends that provide continual support, and opportunities to grow and see the world. Yes, I proclaim myself to be a Christian, and I do want to glorify my Lord, Jesus, with my life. But what does that really mean?

As seen in my last post, I have been doing a lot of questioning this semester, and I often question what it really means to glorify the Lord with my life and love him with my mind, heart, and soul. I know why I do, and I know what I must do to prove that (read.the.bible), but what is stopping me from doing so?

I am scared.

Jesus, my Lord and Savior, loved me so much that He died for my sins so that I could be here today and wake up every morning. He asks that I love Him with all my heart, my mind, and my soul. Easy right? 

Not for me.

God has not been my number one priority. Everything else has:

• my education
• my extracurricular activities: (yes, I'm actually listing ALMOST all of my extracurriculars!)
1. Office of Orientation and Family Programs and Services
2. Center for Leadership and Community Engagement
3. Alternative Breaks
4. NAACP
5. Amnesty International
6. Native American and Indigenous Alliance
7. Peer Advisors
8. Recognized Student Organization Leadership Team
9. Research with Professor Garner
10. AIDS Walk
11. Project Condom
12. MasonLIFE 
13. Black Heritage Month Committee
•  my natural hair
• working out- for alil bit
• making money
• spending money
• hanging out with friends
• planning trips
• sleep!

In all those things listed, where has God been? Yes, they are all with good intentions with the hopes that they make God proud, but are they really when I do not have the sole intention to glorify Him? How can I hope that those things will fulfill my innermost desires? Everything of this world is temporary. Although I love everything that I did this semester, and I don't regret getting involved with them, I realize that if I do not make God #1, nothing else matters.

I did all of those things to satisfy MY needs, MY wants, and MY desires, not for GOD.

So how do I shift and make everything about God? Easier said than done. I'm at the point where I recognize that I have to put Him first, but now I don't quite know how to get myself to do that.....

Read the bible. This is the source for everything I need to know....

Yes, very true! But, when do I give myself the time to read the bible?!? Never.

Pray more. Talk to God....

Yes, very true again! But, when I try to pray I feel like I'm not in a "good enough" place to pray and talk to God.

Before I continue with excuses, I see a pattern- just that- EXCUSES! What are reasons that have and could potentially still keep me from reading my bible or praying/talking to the Lord?

• Not enough time. Make Time- point blank.
• I'm not in a "good enough" place with the Lord to talk to Him. Who says anyone ever is? He says that anyone can talk with Him wherever, whenever, and however.
• I honestly don't feel like it. Did God say He didn't feel like giving His only begotten son up to save us from the sins of the world? NO
• I'm Scared. I'm scared to give my heart. my mind, and my soul to my Lord and Savior. Why? I've been in control for so long, and, although I know that I should and I want to give my life to God, I'm so comfortable with my life that I don't want to take that risk. 

Speaking more on being scared- this is my biggest struggle at the moment. Everything else will be difficult to do, but I am willing to give Him more time, more prayer, more actions that glorify Him...but give Him my will? My entire life? That is something that is hard for me to grasp because I'm scared to not be in control and know what my life will hold. Right now, everything I decide is based on what I want, and, I'm scared that if I let God control my life, He will lead me on a route that isn't what I want or a "boring" life.

Now, doesn't this all sound silly when the Bible says that God always has our best interest and, if we follow Him, He will never forsake us? I know, I know, I know, and, to some degree, I believe it....BUT BUT BUT this is a risk that haven't been able to take for a longggg time.

I have come to the conclusion that it all goes back to me not taking the time to really know Jesus. I mean, like with any relationship, I can't expect to trust someone with my life and my deepest desires without really having a sense of who they are. Jesus desires a relationship with all those who believe in Him, and relationships are two way streets. Jesus has clearly done and continues to do His part every single day with all the blessings I have in my life. On my end of the stick........ *cricket* *cricket* What have I done? I've continued to live my life doing good but not for God. The "good" I'm doing pleases society- the world- but is it pleasing God?

I went to church on Christmas with Denzell, and the pastor spoke to my heart during His message. He said, "In 2011, the Lord was preparing you for your journey in 2012. If you thought you've had the best, the best is yet to come if we learn to love our Lord. If we learn to love the Lord we will give Him more or our time and more of our hearts. We must give the Lord the best of us. 100%." Of course, I felt convicted! Everything He was saying was true to my situation! This semester, through my questioning, I have felt like everything that has happened this year has been many lessons learned, mistakes, successes, etc that have been preparing me for this journey- a journey to figure out who my God is in hopes to find myself in Him.

God knows my deepest desires—and motives—before I ask: "O Lord, You have searched me and You know me. … You perceive my thoughts from afar. … Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely"

Right now, I desire to:
Finish my education successfully to the best of my ability-- ACTUALLY retaining the education and using it to benefit my future career and hopefully lives :)
Growing into the women that my mother raised me to be and into the women that God has planned
Deepening my relationship with Denzell that will provide the foundation for a loving marriage
Solving the social problems of this world!~ if only...!

In order to make these desires a reality, I must desire to follow my Lord and give Him my will. I must know Him. Although I feel like I've been given the best this year with all the blessings, my best is yet to come, because my best is Jesus! I know that it will not be easy, but I am challenging myself to take it a day at a time.

Quotes to ponder:

Not only do we not know God except through Jesus Christ; We do not even know ourselves except through Jesus Christ. 

Sometimes your medicine bottle has on it, "shake well before using." That is what God has to do with some of His people. He has to shake them well before they are ever usable. 

God loves us the way we are but He loves us too much to leave us that way.

 The single most important element in any human relationship is honesty - with oneself, with God, and with others. 

We are at this moment as close to God as we really choose to be. True, there are times when we would like to know a deeper intimacy, but when it comes to the point, we are not prepared to pay the price involved. 

God is more anxious to bless us than we are to be blessed. More anxious to give us wisdom, strength and peace than we are to take them. We are the ones who are reluctant not God.

Song on my mind:

"Found By You"- Britt Nicole

I'm a little girl
And I'm just trying to figure out this funny world
It's so big
It's got me running around
I just wanna be found by You

Jesus
I just wanna be found by You
Jesus
I just wanna be found by You

See, I
I'm not ashamed
Of being small enough to fit inside Your hand
Take Your cup
And let Your love abound
'Cuz I just wanna be found by You

How will I know if I'm alive if I'll survive
Without Your Spirit inside to guide me
Alone You're making me strong
I'll never feel alone as long as I belong
To You and Your Son
You're the only One I'll ever need
And I just wanna be
I just wanna be
Your little girl
I don't have to figure out this crazy world

Jesus
I just wanna be found by You
Jesus
I just wanna be found by You

Blog.

Dear to me, 

I have been compelled to start a blog. Oh how technology encourages us to write our deepest thoughts on a virtual space for the world to see :) I actually put a lot of thought into the pros and cons of starting a blog. In the end, I came to the conclusion that I needed a space where I could write out my thoughts in hopes of figuring out who "sarina" is. From this semester, I've realized that I don't take the time to figure out my thoughts and then I keep doing and doing that I never just "think."

For most of my life, I've always focused on others and never really thought to figure out who I was. I figured as long as I keep giving and moving forward with my goals that I would figure out who I was along the way. Inadvertently, I constantly question who I am. How do people know who they are?

If someone asked me, "who are you?" How would I answer? Here are some things that pop into my head:

• I am a child of God
• I am a daughter, 
• I am a sister, 
• I am an aunt, 
• I am a friend, 
• I am a girlfriend
• I am a worker, 
• I am a giver
• I am pursuing my goals and dreams
• I am compassionate, serious, goofy, clumsy
• I am newly natural

I am sure that I could go on and on, but do I want these categories and labels define who I am? This semester, I have began to question what labels and titles truly mean and how does it contribute to me as an individual? I am not sure if I want these labels to solely define who I am as an individual...

For the year 2012, I want to actually have a new years resolution, but it won't be called a resolution. It will be a "Dear to Me." (whatever that means!) I want it to be a living document that continues to be edited and added to, hence, this blog. I do, however, want to have some concrete objectives that I hope will give my year direction. Some objectives so far (not in any order):

• Take more pictures! Memories are important and who knows what we'll remember when we're old and gray..
• Continue to confidently grow in my naturalness and all that I am within that realm- hair, health, body, diet
• Grow my hair as much as I can! By next August I hope my hair is past my ears!
• Create a healthier diet and by the end of next year I would like to have a 75% or more plant-based diet (not quite vegetarianism but I wanna get there!)
• Not going to put any numbers yet, but I want to exercise more and be pleased with my body
• Learn to say no- i doubt I will truly ever learn this but I want to learn limits for myself
• Travel more- whether its down the street or another country, I want to travel! 2012 already has some great sights ahead: Israel, Jamaica, New York City, Ireland, South Dakota, and hopefully Guatemala or Nicaragua---- more more more!
• Grow more in Christ, my Lord and Savior. Who am I in Him? I want to learn how to love Him to gain more appreciation for all He has done for me and all He continues to do
• I no longer want it to be my plan, but HIS plan

Although those are a few, my mind IMMEDIATELY wants to break these objectives to pieces and plan plan plan! I would plan out each objective as specific as possible and get super excited and motivated about it and then....would it happen?!? Ehh, maybe for a good 2 weeks, but then I would get busy and other priorities would get in the way-- that is another conversation topic.

Instead of planning and detailing, I am going to stop that and just begin to do things one step at a time, without a plan. I no longer want it to be my plan, but HIS plan- that is the objective. But, in the meantime, I will work on just not having a plan, in hopes that I will learn what His plan is for me.

Today I spent a wonderful time with my family- that doesn't happen very often, so, when it does, I must cherish the moment! We exchanged gifts early, and I got the camera I wanted! But what was even better, was seeing the happiness that came from my family when they received their gifts that I got them. Yes, I spent TOO MUCH money on their gifts, but it was worth it :) Tomorrow, I really want to do some community service, but, of course, when you go looking for it-- its never there! I found one place, so hopefully that will work out. I also give my boyfriend his present, and I feel so bad! I decided to take a chance and buy him some "cool" clothes that I thought would look good on him....but, I come to find that his mom and dad always buy him clothes! I mean, my clothes will be way cooler, but I always want my gift to be different from anyone elses! Then, it would really suck if he didn't like them! We shall see....

Quote on my mind:

“We choose our joys and sorrows long before we experience them.”-Kahlil Gibran